The Hastings Castle Eye Test

After the recent CumGate saga, I queried my own eyesight and wondered when I last had a proper test. It must have been a least ten years ago now.

With the UK about to move three months too late whilst introducing quarantine measures for visitors from early June – even though people are much more likely to catch COVID in the UK than to bring it in – I decided to risk a much-needed Hastings Castle Eye Test.

Inspired by his Cummings and goings, I figured if it’s good enough for Boris’s puppet master then it’s good enough for me; and he had symptoms FFS.

Despite The Reawakening – I was still, essentially, being a professional bum in Dubai. It was pleasant enough for sure, but I could equally bum around in the UK and spend some quality time with the parents before things really kick-off workwise again.

Jumping on a plane, facemasked-up, gloved-up, I was ready. Before landing, I prepared myself to Stay Alert as much as possible; I'd read this would be key to my survival from this modern-day plague in the land of Brexit doom.

After a thorough disinfecting, and back in the land of the Battle of 1066, it’s been wonderful to see my father again. We’ve been celebrating life itself almost daily with a new beer from a selection of BrewDogs I’d ordered online. It was simple times, good weather, clean air, birds singing and a cool beer in hand relaxing on our patio.

I went shopping a few times for pa and I was surprised at the general lack of take-up on facemasks here in the UK (although after a peek at the stats it’s no wonder). In Dubai, it’s compulsory to wear them out in public, and here even shop assistants (frontline workers) don’t bother having the basic protections. I’ve got an industrial-looking Bane-style facemask that does generate the occasional glance but no fucks given here, I also don gloves too - exactly what any true modern-day ninja would do in these situations.

Meeting up with a few amigos at a socially-distanced-ish pace has been awesome too: On-Op and Kelly, Si Si, Geeza, Rowley, Saf, Danny K, and finally from Lou Lou’s with Mr East we had the perfect opportunity for a Hastings Castle Eye Test. Naturally, my vision is superior to 20/20 I may add.

After a lovely, relaxed and simple Father’s Day at home with Pa, the north – and mother dearest – however, was calling.

Despite my ninja-like ability to stay alert for the virus, I’d rather be housemates with Johnson and Trump than risk jumping on trains in the UK at the moment (especially the Underground). Seeing as I’d passed the eye test with flying colours, I hired a sporty red Astra and weaved my way throughout the night 400+ miles up the country to the Lake District instead.

Chilling with views of the North Atlantic Ocean and the hills of bonnie Scotland in the distance, I’m currently self-isolating with mother and getting in some quality time to debate the diabolical political landscape we’re all currently wading through. It’s awesome to see her as always and to chill in her flourishing backyard garden; stacked with approximately 100 different plants attracting what seems like a large portion of Maryport’s bees.

Staying alert like a raver at an all-nighter, hopefully, should see me stay fit enough to head back south in a few weeks to Hastings just before my father turns a whopping 70 years old (he’s asked for big balloons with 7-0 on them if you were thinking what to get him).

After that, it will be back to the City of Gold to assist with the rebuilding of our brands in Dubai, where these days COVID tests on arrival are a thing I hear. Highly advised after a death-defying 12,000 km round trip to get a Hastings Castle Eye Test and see the folks.

In all seriousness though, I do thoroughly hope I won’t come to regret such a bold move in such dangerous times.

Stay ninja-like people.

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